Finding Health

So my previous posts have been mostly about fitness, a little about health but mostly fitness. This one will be mostly about health. To be fair to myself I need to address these things as well because otherwise I end up a crazy fitness junkie that doesn't know when to quit...seriously. I've been thinking about this post for a few days now. It got into my head the other day while running with my boyfriend. I was feeling really good and had been staying on track with my fitness and nutrition goals so I was a little thrown when my he told me that I was obsessed with fitness and weight and calorie counting. He told me that one day I would look back and see how ridiculous it was to be so consumed with losing five pounds. At first I was like What?? He doesn't know what he's talking about. Once I lose these five pounds I will be happy and healthy and I will look back and say I sure am glad I put so much time into being fit. Before I could think any further on this  he reminded me that I have been on the same obsessed loop for about five years now, losing five pounds, gaining five pounds, losing, gaining and well you get it. At first I felt a little defensive because I want so badly to be happy with myself that it seemed crazy to think that maybe I'm the one making myself unhappy.

It is a very real possibility that I have body dysmorphic disorder. Maybe not necessarily this disorder specifically but something very similar. The conversation about being obsessed got me to consider why I am the way I am. Little things (and big things) that have happened in my life have definitely brought me to this mentally unhealthy place. By looking at these I may not be able to forget or undo them but maybe I can move forward away from them. When I was very young I had my son Bryce. There are many downfalls to having a child so young, one of them being you feel socially on the outside. All of your friends are young and mostly responsibility-less. Because of this I began feeling like I was much, much older. You do not feel very attractive when you feel like an "old mom" rather than a young adult. This feeling only became heightened when I started college. I had taken two years off because of Bryce and so as a freshman in college I was older than my peers. It's sort of funny looking back because I was only 21 at this time. I wish I could go back in time and flick myself in the forehead for being ridiculous, but of course I can't.  I still remember seeing the first wrinkle on my face and deciding that that was it, I was forever "old". I was just twenty. Since this point in my life I have spent hundreds of dollars on many, many wrinkle creams trying to get my youthful appearance (that I was sure that I had lost) back. I still cannot look in the mirror without seeing all of my many wrinkles, the difference is that now I feel like they are really horrible and that back then I was just being silly. (I am happy to say that I no longer put these creams on my face but I still look in the mirror and see so, so many wrinkles.) Give me another ten years and I will tell you how silly I am being now. I feel like I am holding on to a youth, that I feel like I lost, so hard that I am missing out on enjoying it while it is here. And that is just sad. You would think that with this insight I would just be able to change it but what I see in the mirror does not let me. It does not help that as a young adult I gained 35 pounds. During the few years I lived this way my self esteem plummeted. I felt even more out of place at school because I was not not only "old" but also overweight. I have not entirely recovered from this. That is silly to me because it has been over four years. When do I get to just live my life and not constantly wonder "do I look fat in this?".

There are other factors that have contributed to the way I am. The media (obviously) is a big one. It is very difficult to keep in mind that models are not anywhere near a normal weight and not something to strive for. Another big contributor to the way I am is simply things that have been said. I am pretty sure that there are many women out there that would agree with me that some things, once said, echo in your mind forever.This being said I want so badly to be happy and confident. I am ready to change...just need to figure out how.

Anyway here I am today. Ready to be the healthiest, happiest and yes fittest me. So how do I fix this? How do I look in the mirror and just feel good. I will start by looking in the mirror in the morning and acknowledging how far I have come. I will do my best to compliment myself rather than turn away with a negative image of myself. I don't know if or when I will stop obsessing but I feel like if I can get to that point I could just enjoy my life and that is really what is important right? I am right where I am supposed to be with my weight and my wrinkles are probably not as noticeable as I think they are. All I need is for my brain to agree with that statement (maybe take out the probably) and I will be well on my way to being the healthiest, physically and mentally, me that I can be.

So, sorry for now Trav, you see a skinny girl that needs to relax and I see a fat old lady who needs to get up and do something about it...I promise to do my best to relax and love myself.